So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Randomize
