so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
