Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
