Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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