Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
