wakey wakey hands off snakey
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
