Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Randomize
