You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
