sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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