need another drink. this is the easiest way
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
If I die, sorry about rent.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
