i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
