porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
