So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
