Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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