So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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