I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
nutella sex= disaster
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
