You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
