By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
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Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
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Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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