I can tuck mytits in my pants
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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