So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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