My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I touched a dick in church today
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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