You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
