I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Randomize
