I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
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It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
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I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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