if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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