Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Randomize
