My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
don't judge my taste in strippers
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
