I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Randomize
