I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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