I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Are my feet made of real feet?
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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