youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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