i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
