if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
