By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Randomize
