She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
