somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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