I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
