You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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