I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
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