are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Apparently you make a good broom.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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