ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Randomize
