u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Randomize
