i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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