My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
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i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
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So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
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