I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
