Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
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