Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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