My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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