Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Randomize
