i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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