we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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