OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
