If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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