you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
