My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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