why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
