Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Randomize