hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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