Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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