please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
