Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
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