I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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