Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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